After we broke up, my ex-boyfriend taught me how to become a strong independent woman. I am too dependent, he knows that. And so before he left, he stressed out that I need to be independent- not for the people I love, but for the sake of my own self. By then I learned to carry my own bag, went home alone and do other things independently. A gentleman would do that but it’s never a man’s responsibily. I realize that too much attachment will not bring you anywhere. Closing doors will urge you to become a better version of yourself without the help of other people. I have to be my own comforter because sometimes, other people will not understand you the way you wanted. I learned to love doing things alone. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do. But if you are like me who experienced trauma, you would realize that sometimes it’s better to avoid attachments. It’s better not to get attached with the person you love. It’s better not to expect that person to be there for you all the time. Because when the time comes that somebody will come in your life, may it be a lover or a friend- it will not be that hurtful if that person will leave eventually. People come and go. So you must be prepared.
I am a silent writer. Not overused nor mainstream. Since highschool, I just express my thoughts through poetry, journal and stories (aside from being school publication writer) yet only few had an opportunity to read those. I’m not a good speaker. I can’t even dare to use a microphone while speaking and that no one would observe that I’m fucking nervous. I am not convincing, too. I am good in inspiring no one. I can’t tell you stories face to face nor deliver my poems in a creative way. I’m an outgoing person but I’m afraid to speak to other people. I’m afraid that I might say something inappropriate or people might not be able to get my point, which would really happen most of the time. I’m afraid of making a mistake. So I write. I write because all my thoughts, emotions and even my subconscious are being formed into one piece of shit, lol. Though sometimes they are not well arranged or I have grammar issues, at least I have given the chance to express what I am trying to address. I write because a pen and a paper are my best of friends whenever the world rejected my importance or when people have forgotten my existence. I write but I don’t make noise. I am not one of those people you meet in person or you’ve seen in social media who have a very good vocabulary. I just use simple words. Simple so that the person or people who are intended to read my articles would understand. And I just post them on my blog which only few get to see. I am silent. But I am waiting for the right time that I will not be afraid of telling the whole world my thoughts and ideas. I will break the silence. Soon.
May 3, 2017
(This is only a point of view of 1 person and my words doesn’t reflect the view points of other people. )
People will actually call you “fat” without knowing the reason why. Though it may be in a form of a joke, but words will really hit them. Some may not be affected in hearing such words but at the end of the day, they can say, “Tamboka na jud diay nako sa?” Then it will be a root of all insecurities and they might think of themselves as “not good enough persons”.
Humans, you really don’t know how it feels like. You don’t know how it feels to suffer depression and there’s no one to talk to and you think God and foods are your only comforter. You don’t know how it feels to be awake until midnight because something’s bothering you so you seek for food. When you are trying to be a good student but the pressure is getting higher so you eat a lot of hotdogs or kwek2 or siomai or any foods that will give you comfort. When you suffered a tragic heartbreak and you think a cup of ice cream might help but damn, the pain is still there. You never know that with your teasing words, they are concealing something. Something that they tried to do just to please you. You never know that some of them want to reduce weight but a piece of cake or two-piece fried chicken are tempting. Some of them may experience the need of exercise but their bodies are not that cooperative and the gravity is high every morning. When you want to eat less but 2 boxes of pizza given by your boyfriend/girlfriend is very difficult to reject.
Now, people, don’t call a person “fat” over and over again because they already know that. Maybe a simple “How are you?” can make a difference or supporting them is a great help too. Now, I am writing this to inform you all that if you want that person to lose weight, do something instead of teasing them or calling them with that name. Because in the first place, they don’t need your opinion.
PS. I am sorry for posting this.
I may not have deep words like Shakespeare do just to tell the world that my love is true. Our story may not be written by Nicholas Sparks who made a million people cry. Neither our goodbyes and comebacks can make the hopeless romantic inspired. Our love story is just ordinary. But I swear, we are better than a tragedy. We are better than a happy ending of a fantasy. We are better than magic spells or wizardry. Better than “to be or not to be”. Far better than any romance of a movie. Our love story is genuinely ordinary. I may not have romantic words to say. Not even convincing words for you to stay. But I promise, you are my only. You always say you can’t define love by using dictionary. That movies aren’t accurate, too. But only now I have known the reason why. Because, our love is incomparable for our love is true. Our story is unique for our love is true. You can’t find it in any pages of a book. You can’t find it in between the lines of a poem. It’s always in us. And for almost 6 years, it still remains in our hearts. 💕
PS. I love you.
Too many questions left unanswered
Sheltered feelings and words unspoken
Silent room yet your voice can’t be heard
You said the final word then my heart was broken
My sight is blur and heart’s beating faster
Like the world is shattered for a second
Pellucid words but I pretend it’s obscure thereafter
So I don’t say a word and I reach for your hand
I just clench and hold it so tight
But you let it go now I cried for plea
You are fully decided and I won’t fight
Then you walk away without looking back at me
I’m in a misery, I cannot lie
When you say to me that hurtful goodbye
I don’t know what to write coz words aren’t enough to speak what I feel deep inside. But I’m also afraid that I might not be able to say what I am supposed to tell. I keep on asking why after all these years, I found myself having the same feeling on the same person. You may think it’s so odd to hear or maybe you can say it’s a lie. Okay, let’s just pretend that it is.
You see, I’m the girl from the past who keep on coming back. No matter what the situation is and even though we tried so hard to be apart, I still ended up loving (that’s the word) you. And I know love is such a shitty word for you now. I did try to leave, I did try not to care. But everytime I see you from afar, my heart will beat so fast and there’s a feeling that I don’t even understand. Memories with you will still haunt me. And everytime I recall our beautiful (your description) story, I keep on asking if what we have was real. I keep on wondering if we have the same feelings. I want to know if you treasured those sweet little memories. If you’re happy that I became part of your life. And I also want to know if your love for me was real. But I’m afraid to ask, I’m afraid to know the truth.
You keep on asking why out of hundreds of guys that I met, it’s always you afterall. You keep on saying the world is against us but why I still risk something just for you. Simply because what I feel for you is unique. I don’t know what’s with you but you really caught me off guard. Everytime you listen to my nonsense topic & hold my sweaty hands when I’m scared, I have considered you as my bestfriend. You always make me calm whenever I get paranoid and you would always notice the changes of my appearance everyday. But what I love the most is you make me smile and laugh effortlessly. Now those are just memories. We were young back then and now we grew up. We know that things like that won’t happen in the real world right now. But you know what? The remnants from the past will always remain in my heart and I hope we feel the same. That even if the future is unclear, whether we’ll meet again by fate or remain strangers (like what we are now), we knew that what we have is extraordinary and different from the other stories. And for that, I am forever grateful.
“Maybe there is something about the past for we keep on coming back (and eventually destined to fall apart). Maybe I just miss the feeling. Or maybe, just maybe, I want to live there forever.”
(Made a sonnet out from a picture during our Lit1 class.)
Here I am alone and still waiting
Wishing you to come back and save
Me from this trap. Now I’m tired of crying,
I can’t forget you for I ain’t that brave
The sea is calm right here
Its alluring ripples amazed me still
Oh my love, are you starring right there?
My heart is too empty that you need to fill
How I wish your love is like a ship
Even if you leave and went to another place,
You’ll still be back to fix this relationship
And save me with your sweet embrace
Now tell me, is it my fault to love you?
When in fact you are the one who is untrue